My father’s family name being Pirrip, and my Christian name Philip, my infant tongue could make of both names nothing longer or more explicit than Pip. So, I called myself Pip, and came to be called Pip

My father’s family name being Pirrip, and my Christian name Philip, my infant tongue could make of both names nothing longer or more explicit than Pip. So, I called myself Pip, and came to be called Pip

I was all set to write a blog post critical of people who are pigeon-toed. It’s like, why wouldn’t you care about this? Not only are the rules of walking like pretty clearly laid out, it doesn’t really make sense to operate the foot-leg apparatus (let’s be honest with ourselves and stop letting “them” tell us where our body parts begin and end) pointing in that direction, unless you’re doing a ballet maneuver. YES it is probably a medical condition, not unlike when I had fallen arches as a child and had to wear special shoe supports to correct my arches which are now FUCKING fabulous, that they can’t help. But it is just so ludicrous to see someone walking around swinging their legs in a most unaccountable fashion; it’s like a public insult.

However, to my surprise it turns out I was thinking of the wrong thing. Pigeon-toed is when your toes point INWARD, even though I spent a hot minute with google image search and pigeon claws do not seem to do that. Generally their thing is just to be intensely inquisitive in as nonaggressive a manner as possible. Anyway though it’s still wrong to walk that way but who gives a shit.

It turns out that there’s actually some controversy as to how to refer to people who stupidly walk with their feet pointing outwards like idiots. There’s one of those dialect charts that show how popular different terms are but in this case it doesn’t seem to be region-specific: we’re a nation united by our uncertainty in nomenclature for people who walk not just like nobody ever tried to teach them, but like it was always impossible to ever know how.

The largest group by far is people who have no term for outward footed walkers. Close on the heels of this, however, is the term “duck-footed.” Why are all these terms named after nonoffensive birds? Especially BECAUSE – and I checked – duck feet are actually pretty much what we (apparently) refer to as pigeon-toed. Why.

Next in line is “bow-legged” which is a complete fucking travesty. Bow-legged is not that, it’s when your legs get all bent outward at the knees like you been riding a horse frequently.

After that it falls off into various terms like “out-toed” (fucking try at least) “splay-legged (acceptable) and “slue-legged” (what).

People need to quit walking this way